I have spent years "perfecting" who I am. I have spent countless days wondering what "me" is suitable for this life.
School years were virtually non-existent, a troublesome childhood led to me not giving a damn about myself or my future. But 11 years later, a stable relationship and a wonderful child, meant I was able to re-look at myself and stop pretending. Stop looking for other peoples praises and start looking at my own.
So I went back to college! I didn't know what I was going back for...all I knew was that I wanted to prove myself right. "I got an "A" in English, dad." I heard myself say!
It was lies...
My body was desperate for him to be proud, desperate to look at me with admiration, but instead I felt hollow. I felt a certain disgust wash over me, oh! I heard the praise from my father. But knew inside it was for someone else. I was liar.
I actually was given a "D". D dirty liar.
I carried that for years. Until I decided I was going to prove to myself I could do it. My potential was greater than I gave myself credit for. So at 28, I went back to college. I studied GCSE English...
Determined to undo a lie I had kept for years.
I worked hard; all my controlled assessments achieved an "A". My speaking and listening netted 10/10, even for punctuation! After endless hours scrutinizing practice papers and tiring myself thin... They also netted "A's". So that was it exam day and I tried hard I tried so hard to answer each question, check all mistakes, but one can only do so much.
My results were all down to one person and their pen; their check list, their grade requirements. Well that was it.
Today I got my results! Predicted an "A".
As I opened the envelope I stared. I didn't see the grade...
"B" you got a "B" my husband said, "that's not bad."
"Bad" that's all I heard.
It wasn't my "A."
I can't say I wasn't disappointed, but I was. I had set myself up to being a "A" student but as my lovely sister in-law reminded me..."A B? Who cares, the examiners have checklists, you have imagination and flair; so write..."
So I did! Here's to being: Beautiful, Brilliant, Ballsy and Bountiful in life! I achieved a "B" and that's Brilliant!