Food, glorious food.

I make no bones about it. I like food. Except for cucumber, that is scientifically proven to be the work of the anti-christ. Fortunately I don't believe in such nonsense so can just about manage it on tuna sarnies.

Anyway.

I was working late this evening, happy in the knowledge that my lovely flatmate had said she'd come up with something foodwise as, unexpectedly, she'd be home tonight. I think she may have forgotten though as when I got in the bacon I mentioned was still languishing at the back of the fridge. And her boyfriend's hat is in the south wing. A coincidence?

A plan was needed.

The trouble with this is that we don't do plans. So as I ticked of the options I realised I had no real option other than to... Make something up. So...

• Take one half packet of streaky bacon
• And the last dirty sausage in the fridge (bratwurst apparently)
• Add half an onion left from last night's stuffed mushrooms
• And some garlic smuggled in from Norfolk by the nearly ex.
• A few iffy mushrooms that I bought some time ago
• 5 or six british spuds. I know this because that's what it says on the wrapper
• A pepper, green in this case
• Beenz
• Lashings of cheez
• And the bottle of wine left over from last night
• Whatever is left on the butter dish
• And cayenne pepper. Obvs.

Slice the spuds thinly, chuck them in a pan, add boiling water, heat for 20 minutes. You know the score. Next. Slice the onion, baconz, dirty sausage, throw the remains of the butter in a pan, melt, chuck in the onions, cackle and add the bacon. When you get bored throw in the pepper (sliced), mushroom (sliced) and cook them for a while. Add the beenz and cook slowly. Oh, missed something off the list, a beef oxo cube. Mix this with about 10cc of hot water, i.e. bugger all and add to the mix with teh beenz.

Allow time to pass. Mostly this involves drinking the wine from last night.

After 20 minutes or so drain the spuds. Ladle the goo from the beenz and dirty sausage pan in to a baking dish, feel annoyed that you still haven't bought a big one (ooh err) so you have to use two dishes. Make the layer thin. Add another layer of goo. And then a final layer of spud. Like a lasagne. Sort of. And top with grated cheese.

Obviously you shouldn't have actually prepared said cheese, and should grate directly on to the dish. Grind some pepper over the top

Next. Wait. Once you've put it all in the oven. Some time later. Maybe 15 minutes or so, switch from oven to grill to crisp the top. Take it out and... Eat.

Shortly after this you will find the urge to write a blog post. At this point your flatmate will appear claiming she has flatmate flu. This is like man flu. But oh so much more dangerous. Offer food, do not be surprised when it is taken.

Post blog.